Tag Archives: Love/hate relationships

The TRUTH… Can YOU handle it??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

truth

6:10 am This Sunny, VERY frigid morning in Connecticut… Brrr…. as I pour My first cup of coffee, I am running down the list in My head of things that need to be done today. The typical (typical of late, that is… NOT the NORM for Me) stuff for Me. Email first, clean, start dinner, bake the blueberry muffins I have been promising My kids… Check BLOGS! AHHHH… yes… the words that flow from others fingers! I love reading any blog that is about self examination, or self insight.. blah blah blah. You get it!

Much like everyone else I get notices emailed to Me about My blog and those that I follow.  This morning in particular, I received a notice of a new follower, well.. I,  OF COURSE had to go check out Her blog.  I am so glad that I did!! It seems I have found ANOTHER Woman who is aware of Herself… She is NOT afraid to ask herself some pretty hard questions! She is aware of Her thoughts, Her actions. It was an enjoyable and learning experience.

Reading Her blog inspired Me to look at Myself (as if I DONT look at and pick apart Myself enough?!?!) I feel as though I must ask Myself some hard questions.. with even more difficult answers!

Am I happy with Myself? Am I happy with where I am in My life thus far? What needs to change to improve My quality of life? Am I ready for change? Do I possess the strength needed to make those changes? Are My relationships HEALTHY? Where am I going in life? Am I the best ME I can Be?? These are MY questions to ask of Myself.

Can We, as Women tell ourselves the truth?

The truth? what IS the truth?

Merriam Webster  definition of truth “the true or actual state of a matter, conformity with fact or reality; verity: the truth of a statement, a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like,  the state or character of being true, actuality or actual existence.

TRUTH…Human reaction to this word will confuse Me sometimes. I feel like, when I ask someone to tell Me the truth, I am not always sure if it is THIER truth or what the TRUTH really is.  If We are going to be honest with ourselves and others then I feel We must see that there in lies the difference… PERCEPTION.. MY truth, YOUR truth and then the REAL truth. WE all see the same thing differently. Which is what I suppose makes the world go round, I would in fact have to blow My head off if EVERYONE thought the same exact way, did the same exact things the next person did. We, as humans, We are amazing creatures!

Ya know those “discovery channel” shows?  The ones about AMAZING animals, the way they live, eat, reproduce.. etc?  I have YET to see one about “Humans”  ok, this could really be a very long post.. there are so many differences from one Human to the next.  I  want to focus on how We, as Women handle, go about.. taking the time to really look at ourselves and how We tell ourselves the truth. Not how others see Us, just how We see Ourselves, and what We know to be TRUE about ourselves.

Come on, We have ALL lied to ourselves in one situation or another, whether it was to make the situation easier to deal with, or We didn’t have the time to deal with it at all, so We tell ourselves a NOT truth… We tell ourselves, it will wait… or it will take care of itself, or .. I CANT right now. “Can’t”.. I HATE that word! When one of My children use that word, I CRINGE! RIDICULOUS!!! NO SUCH WORD!! You may not be “able to” at the moment, however, there is NOTHING We can NOT do as long as We try and are willing to take the steps necessary to get that “thing”, “goal”.. etc.. done!!

So that would be the FIRST TRUTH… NOTHING We can NOT do, as long as We take the steps necessary to get it done. “GET ER DONE!!” comes to mind.. I used to watch those 4 comedians all the time, I do not remember the name of their show.. ya know, the 4 redneck comedians.. I know “Ron White” was one of them. My ex-husband and I went to see him Live… what an asshole HE can be!! Don’t get Me wrong, He is funny… an asshole the same. However, THERE is ANOTHER truth! I… ME… yes, I can be an asshole sometimes. I am not ashamed to say it. I don’t profess to be perfect by ANY definition or interpretation of the word “PERFECT”.  I say harsh things to those I love at times, when I feel it is needed. Sometimes even to My friends.. it is necessary sometimes.   I am not sorry about what I say, I am sorry that it may hurt sometimes. We as Women, Mothers, wives, sisters, friends, We have the responsibility to be Nurturing… caring…FIXERS!! THERE’S a TRUTH!!

We all try to be honest with ourselves, at least I hope We do. It is NOT an easy feat! Sometimes, looking at ourselves from the outside makes the Truth a little easier to see. Then We must decide to digest and accept it, or,  if it is not acceptable, change it!

I feel… and again, this is JUST MY OPINION.. and like everyone else, just like as asshole, WE ALL HAVE ONE! (laughing out loud now) My dad used to say that ALL the time.. HE didn’t like too many humans. I miss Him. He was a Hard ass Man.. no doubt. I believe that it is mostly because of Him that I am the Woman I have become.

Another TRUTH about Myself. I am not able at the present time.. no, that’s NOT the truth.. the TRUTH is.. I do not want to be part of a relationship with a Man.. ANY MAN at this time. Meaning… I know  Myself, and being part of a relationship with another adult, as in a boyfriend, fiancé, husband.. what have you… I do not choose that road. Reason? I am too selfish at this time. My children still need Me to focus on them. It is MY responsibility to assure they have the skills needed to be successful HUMANS! Also, the TRUTH is I do not want to be responsible for another humans feelings or actions. You can argue that this is not so in a relationship, IT IS!! What I DO, SAY, THINK.. will have some type of affect on either the relationship or the other human in the relationship.

I believe there are other Women in the world who may feel the same way. Maybe they are honest about it.. maybe not. Their choice. I find that when We pass judgment on others We are taking on the role of our Creator. (Trying to keep it P.C.. God, Allah, Buddha… Aliens… whomever YOU believe is Our Creator.. another post for another time). I certainly do not enjoy it when someone judges Me solely  on THIER beliefs. Because, again… Different beliefs.. different views.. different opinions.. that IS what makes US HUMAN!

Back to TRUTH. I think as long as We are able to SEE the TRUTH about Ourselves, then it is ALWAYS a positive thing! When We know and accept what needs to be changed, or improved, or deleted from Our person then We have SEEN the TRUTH.  What YOU do with that TRUTH makes it YOURS!

Can YOU tell Yourself the TRUTH? Can YOU HEAR… the TRUTH? I believe that when We are comfortable asking Ourselves the difficult questions, THEN We can make the necessary adjustments to Our being.  Because, after all…. isn’t LIFE just one big learning and growing experience.. ?

THIS is MY truth!!

Preach on you beautiful Blonde!
Preach on you beautiful Blonde!

Always,

Satie

 

Advertisements

Single?… or nah? LMAO

I confuse Myself after awhile! Here is the update as of January 29, 2015.  Soooo.. Me the ex and the three youngest moved into My dream apartment, with the understanding that the ex would move out after 6 months. We tried.. well.. I tried, I think he was trying, I KNOW he loves Me, he tells Me everyday. I am just NOT in love with him, and I don’t like being in a relationship with him like that.

Since this whole back thing started with Me and I have not been able to return to work, he, the Ex has been great with paying the bills and being attentive to the fact that I can not do all the things I usually do. However, saying this, I also feel he is LOVING the fact that I am trapped at home, in the house, gaining back.. like I said in another post recently.. 15 pounds…

There are days I am miserable and cry all day long.. NOTHING resembling WHO I was, or am.. I don’t even know sometimes which it is. I know this is not going to be the way My life will be forever.. it is just a bump in the road to the rest of My life. I am good with My decision to be honest and tell the ex how I feel. He took it well, again, I think because of Me having to depend on him temporarily.

When you really think about it…Is THIS all there is? I mean, you find a mate, you have kids and you end up together, miserable for the rest of your lives?? F U C K THAT!!! Not gonna happen with Me.

Funny, even on My worst of days, I can still see the Sun.. shining on ME.. FOR ME.. When I am hating him, the ex, the most.. I still have the good thoughts running through My head, challenging the thoughts of hate.. He IS trying.. He IS paying the bills.. of course with some grumbling along the way. and there are arguments that get out of control, ending with Me losing My voice, most times. I try to keep it away from the kids, cuz THEY did NOT ask for this. THEY didn’t want US living together with their dad.. THEY knew better than Me…

Ill be damned!! I ADORE My children!!

Sleep well and dream in color!!

XOXO Satie

DO IT… OWN IT!!

I find it amazing how long it has been since I’ve blogged. Not only that I haven’t blogged, I haven’t written ANYTHING! Not like Me… then again, I am NOT Myself these days. I am going to try to keep this post condensed, a lot has happened in such a short time.

First,… sooooo I asked a friend.. (ok, he is also My lover.. YES I SAID IT!! HE IS JUST MY LOVER and friend.) We do NOT “date”, we do NOT live together (My ex-husband and I are sharing living space still.. UGH! for reasons beyond My control.. I’ll explain) We don’t have dinner together or snuggle up on the couch and watch a flick. Although, sometimes I think, maybe, maybe that would be nice. I am not sure how much of the “about Me” section you’ve read, however if you have read anything I’ve blogged then you already get it, I DONT hold back. No reason to. I have no one to answer to and I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done.. because, truly.. why do something you are going to regret later… DO IT, OWN IT… and if it gets fucked up, then make it right! SIMPLE!! (ok, so I don’t sound like a crazy person, DONT DO ANYTHING illegal… I mean, unless , NAHHH I’m just kidding!) I’m sure you understand the general idea of “DO IT, OWN IT”.

So, this friend/lover… we will refer to him as Coach from now on, because I am sure he will show up again at some point in My future blogs. I asked him earlier today “If you could change anything about US what would it be… His answer “Who you reside with… have you back to writing again, and Id fix your back!” Now, normally the first part of the answer, “Who you reside with” would have had Me all ‘girly’ like… I mean, that’s sweet.. obviously it bothers him that My ex husband and I share a home. Of course, wanting to have the magical powers to fix My back, that is a selfless thought, BRAVO COACH.. he can be a bit self centered at times.. shrugging my shoulders.. cant we ALL!? 😉 the statement that REALLLY hit me… “have you back to writing again”.. blew My mind!! How many others would even say that? My kids?? My Mom?? My ex-husband?? NOOO, they could care less if I am writing, if I have lost the passion, if somehow it has gone from My body like our souls leave when we die! BASTARDS!!! kidding of course…

As I sit here typing.. I realize, the writer… THAT part of Me… SHE is FULL of passion, drive, determination, soulfulness, love, creativity!! WHERE THE HELL IS SHE!!!!! I truly believe the world We live in, what surrounds Us, those that surround Us, life’s happenings.. they all play a part in HER seclusion.. the writer. Don’t misunderstand, I have been wanting to write..needing to write again. I NEED to relive those memories, to assist in keeping Me sane as I go through the next year or so of My life.. Why, what is going to happen in the next year of your life Satie? you may find yourself asking that … Well..

Thanksgiving, 2014… just a few months ago. I woke early to get started with the days FEAST! I couldn’t wait… even though My ex-husband tried as hard as he could to ruin, YET another holiday for Me.. he started an argument the night before, which is usually when I start cooking thanksgivings meal. I did not this past holiday I said “SCREW THIS SHIT”  and went to bed, (a whole bottle of barefoot Moscato ingested) I made a pot of coffee… rolled one… YUP… I partake. I was outside with My coffee and smoke of choice, enjoying the quiet before the rugrats woke up DEMANDING food.. rolling My eyes..I went to stand up from the chair I was sitting in and it didn’t happen. I couldn’t move.. well… not without excruciating pain in My lower back.. “odd” I thought. I have been on tramadol for almost 5 years due to lower back pain, caused by what My Dr. (of the past 12 years) said it was.. Arthritis. I believed him of course, one because he has saved My life twice and two because My mom has arthritis, Spinal Stenosis as well. I mean, really.. I totally GET why I am having the pain I have had for years. I was a power lifter from age 14 to 22. So, it makes sense.. squatting with over 700 pounds on your shoulders will most likely cause some damage down the road in life. Ok. Cool. I get it!! However, at the time I blamed it on the fact that I gave up My much younger lover, therefore, not getting the exercise I was used to getting 🙂 Yes, I am a bit of a nympho.

Im getting off track… back to thanksgiving. I made it through the day… the food was good, although, not as good as it has been in the past, WE ALL know why!! I went back to work that following Monday. Each day I came home just a little more in pain, it kept getting more intense each day that had passed. By Friday, December 5th it was HORRIFIC!! the alarm went off at 5 am, I tried to turn and reach for My phone to kill the alarm.. I COULDNT!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I thought I was moving My right leg off the bed to the floor.. guess I wasn’t because I HIT the floor when I went to stand up. My right leg was completely numb and dead.. (found out its called Drop leg/foot) The pain was NOTHING I have ever felt before.. passing an 8 pound HUMAN through My vagina wasn’t as painful as this!! My ex-husband called out of work and rushed Me to the ER. It must’ve been pretty obvious… maybe My BP being 220 over 160 was the tell tale truth that I was truly in pain that made the nurses and dr move so quickly. I was given three mls of Dilaudud, intravenously, it finally brought the pain down to a 5 from a 2 million..lol… anyway so the Dr sends Me for an xray of My lower back, asks Me if I was ever in an accident, blah blah blah… No, I’ve never hurt My back, never been in an accident never had a slip and fall. So, the Er Dr comes into my room after the xray and says “This is NOT good… ” and looks at Me with this pathetic, I- feel- sooooo- bad- for- you- lady- but- you’re- fucked look. Of course My response is.. “Meaning??” He says, “You have Spondylosis with progressive lumbar spondylolthesis.. you didn’t know this? You were here in 2004 for an xray and you had 4 millimeters of spinal slippage then, now it has progressed to 11millimeters of slip, your Dr never told you this?”

ok, so My memory is NOT the best… who knows, maybe its normal for a human My age.. (45) however IF My Dr had EVER said some shit to Me about My back needing attention, I would’ve JUMPED on it!! I am NOT an idiot!! So now…I am sitting there in this ER room.. looking like I don’t know what, WAITING for the Dr. to tell Me in English what this all means. He explains that My spine has slipped forward 1/2 an inch off My sacrum (top of your tail bone) and physical therapy is NOT recommended, surgery is! EEEEEEKKKKK!!!  BACK SURGERY?!?! Are you kidding me?? I am ONLY 45 years young!! How the hell did this happen?

Fast forward to today.. this very moment. I have been on more drugs then I care to list, different cocktails trying to ease the pain, I have not worked since December, I had an MRI done Dec 16th, the report … not good. 4 protruding discs in 3 different locations in My spine. I am currently taking dilaudid for pain, Soma for a muscle relaxer. I can not work, My own Dr wont release Me for fear of being sued I assume.. I can not drive most days because of the pain and drugs, I cannot pick up anything heavier then 5 lbs, or I take the chance of hurting M<myself even more and/or dropping whatever it is I am picking up. I have fallen three times due to My non cooperating right leg.. I sleep on the dining room, I mean across the dining room table, with my legs hanging down, most nights, if I sleep at all, usually sleep comes with a heavy dose of pain meds. Otherwise I am up for days at a time. I yell at My kids for unknown reasons, I don’t go out much, for fear of the pain worsening or for fear of falling in public (YUP, I’m VERY vain!!).  I spend most of My time, inside My beautiful home (we moved in October) We live in one of the older Mansions in My city. It was turned into a three family however My Unit retains its former glory, wood work, carvings, huge fireplace (they closed it off, mantle is still there thou. Ill post another blog in Home décor/crafts, etc.. I have been making everything, curtains, decorations, blah blah balh… AND IVE GOTTEN FA …hmmm.. Ill be nice.. I have gained back 15 of the hundred pounds I lost.. Ok, so NOT such a big deal for some of you, however when you are the Woman I am, active VERY ACTIVE, like playing flag football on the weekends, tennis, swimming, basketball.. etc..  this  stagnant lifestyle is driving ME FUCKING NUTS!!!!

Half of Me loves being here when My kids get home from school, (even though they would rather play call of duty then sit and entertain Me),cooking, cleaning… making My living space a home. However, the other half misses working,  being active, feeling good, feeling sexy, YUP.. this issue Is messing with Me mentally as well as physically.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the Ortho surgeon to get the final results and the plan of action for fixing Me.. HA!! laughing out loud now, fixing Me.. what a joke!! anyway… Ive already been warned by the three other Dr.’s I have seen, that the next year of My life will not be normal.. as if it EVER was! 🙂

DO IT, OWN IT!! I did it to Myself.. the years of power lifting, playing football… I mean there have been tell tale signs, both My knees have been rebuilt from donor parts, I have had carpal tunnel surgery on both hands. I am OWNING it!! I WILL get through this and make it right. I WILL become the Woman I once was not so long ago…

One more thing… I WILL finish My first book by the end of this journey!!

Always…

Satie

AFTER you let your Ex-Husband move in….

We were married Sept 26, 1993. We were divorced May 11, 2010. The divorce was My decision, he fought Me the entire way. I knew the true reason he did not want a divorce… He had no one else to take care of him. (My ego is not responsible at all for what I am about to say) He fell apart after our divorce. Did he have “Girlfriends”, to hear him tell it, no one was at “Girlfriend” status, they were all just friends.. that he had sex with..LOL We hated each other for about three years, trying and succeeding at making each others lives hell for a temporary moment. He and I have been through many years together, We have had 5 children together, There is still a bond … of responsibility I feel towards him. It sounds confusing I am sure, however, its very simple. I promised to take care of him til the day he dies. Even if I was in a serious relationship (I doubt that will EVER happen again.. or at least as long as I stay perpetually horny!.. LOL) even if, as I was saying, HE would have to be a special man to understand that relationship I have and will continue to have with My Ex-Husband, for the rest of his life.

As the Title of this post implies, I let My ex move into My apartment about 4 months ago. This decision was made with the knowledge that he would be homeless if I did not let him move in, temporarily. At the time of him moving in, I was single, and by the way.. LOVING IT!!!  **Side note** I am not such a typical female. I LIKED sleeping alone, I LIKED waking up alone, I LIKED MY closet to MYSELF… HA! I could go on… futile now though…**

I laid down the rules before He moved in, so that there would be no misunderstandings later. I had .. “Friends” and they would come to My house and visit Me. At that specific moment I was seeing One Man in particular. He was sweet, good looking, somewhat kept in shape. However, He was … how do I say this… a “Mama’s Boy”. I mean, he tried to be a bad boy, telling Me of his younger years when He was in “the game” ..LOL The “Game”… another post for another day when I am in the mood for sharing. Anyway.. He became too clingy and I could see that He was not motivated enough to be My “Man”. I have this rule. If We have only been seeing each other for under a month and you ask Me to borrow money, or you need gas to come see Me… We are DEFINATLY not going to make it to the 2nd month!! And He lived at home, using the excuse that His parents needed him there to help care for them, which come to find out was bullshit! OH, and making love… well… it was like being humped by a sperm whale. (tiny giggle) I cut him loose after the second weekend He spent at My home, while My ex slept on the couch. I must admit, the Man I was seeing handled it quite well, the ex sleeping on the couch, while We were in My bed, the sperm whale and I. (again I giggled) My children on the other hand.. well, I usually go with THEIR feelings when it comes to Who I let into our lives. This one, they did not like or feel comfortable around, Yup… had to cut him loose.

Did you notice how I used the suffix ‘ed’ in the second paragraph, a few times? Yeh, well… that is because I am NO longer sleeping, waking or having My closet to MY ALONE!!! After the third month, I gave into My ex-Husband and agreed to give it another try. Quite honestly, I already know what a fuck up HE is, I know HIS annoying habits, HIS screwed up ideals and ideas… I am USED to him. I also know… how to get what I want from HIM, I know how to play him..like a perfectly tuned piano.  Did that sound fucked up? Selfish? Wrong?  Frankly, I don’t care if it does. HE is getting what HE wants out of this… agreement,  as am I.. to a certain extent. The sex is scarce, it doesn’t happen often and when it does, its NOT what I am used to. He is sweet though and He is truly trying to do everything He can to make our lives better and do more things together.

If I were to be honest, which I don’t see any point in lying.. I will admit, I am not “in love” with him.. maybe that will come in time, at the moment I love him and I made a commitment to him. I have been faithful thus far. I don’t know how much longer that will remain a fact. I suppose as long as I wish to continue doing the “right” thing…. devil on one shoulder, angel on the other..

I bid you all good night and peaceful dreams.

XOXO Satie