Tag Archives: Love or not

Single?… or nah? LMAO

I confuse Myself after awhile! Here is the update as of January 29, 2015.  Soooo.. Me the ex and the three youngest moved into My dream apartment, with the understanding that the ex would move out after 6 months. We tried.. well.. I tried, I think he was trying, I KNOW he loves Me, he tells Me everyday. I am just NOT in love with him, and I don’t like being in a relationship with him like that.

Since this whole back thing started with Me and I have not been able to return to work, he, the Ex has been great with paying the bills and being attentive to the fact that I can not do all the things I usually do. However, saying this, I also feel he is LOVING the fact that I am trapped at home, in the house, gaining back.. like I said in another post recently.. 15 pounds…

There are days I am miserable and cry all day long.. NOTHING resembling WHO I was, or am.. I don’t even know sometimes which it is. I know this is not going to be the way My life will be forever.. it is just a bump in the road to the rest of My life. I am good with My decision to be honest and tell the ex how I feel. He took it well, again, I think because of Me having to depend on him temporarily.

When you really think about it…Is THIS all there is? I mean, you find a mate, you have kids and you end up together, miserable for the rest of your lives?? F U C K THAT!!! Not gonna happen with Me.

Funny, even on My worst of days, I can still see the Sun.. shining on ME.. FOR ME.. When I am hating him, the ex, the most.. I still have the good thoughts running through My head, challenging the thoughts of hate.. He IS trying.. He IS paying the bills.. of course with some grumbling along the way. and there are arguments that get out of control, ending with Me losing My voice, most times. I try to keep it away from the kids, cuz THEY did NOT ask for this. THEY didn’t want US living together with their dad.. THEY knew better than Me…

Ill be damned!! I ADORE My children!!

Sleep well and dream in color!!

XOXO Satie

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AFTER you let your Ex-Husband move in….

We were married Sept 26, 1993. We were divorced May 11, 2010. The divorce was My decision, he fought Me the entire way. I knew the true reason he did not want a divorce… He had no one else to take care of him. (My ego is not responsible at all for what I am about to say) He fell apart after our divorce. Did he have “Girlfriends”, to hear him tell it, no one was at “Girlfriend” status, they were all just friends.. that he had sex with..LOL We hated each other for about three years, trying and succeeding at making each others lives hell for a temporary moment. He and I have been through many years together, We have had 5 children together, There is still a bond … of responsibility I feel towards him. It sounds confusing I am sure, however, its very simple. I promised to take care of him til the day he dies. Even if I was in a serious relationship (I doubt that will EVER happen again.. or at least as long as I stay perpetually horny!.. LOL) even if, as I was saying, HE would have to be a special man to understand that relationship I have and will continue to have with My Ex-Husband, for the rest of his life.

As the Title of this post implies, I let My ex move into My apartment about 4 months ago. This decision was made with the knowledge that he would be homeless if I did not let him move in, temporarily. At the time of him moving in, I was single, and by the way.. LOVING IT!!!  **Side note** I am not such a typical female. I LIKED sleeping alone, I LIKED waking up alone, I LIKED MY closet to MYSELF… HA! I could go on… futile now though…**

I laid down the rules before He moved in, so that there would be no misunderstandings later. I had .. “Friends” and they would come to My house and visit Me. At that specific moment I was seeing One Man in particular. He was sweet, good looking, somewhat kept in shape. However, He was … how do I say this… a “Mama’s Boy”. I mean, he tried to be a bad boy, telling Me of his younger years when He was in “the game” ..LOL The “Game”… another post for another day when I am in the mood for sharing. Anyway.. He became too clingy and I could see that He was not motivated enough to be My “Man”. I have this rule. If We have only been seeing each other for under a month and you ask Me to borrow money, or you need gas to come see Me… We are DEFINATLY not going to make it to the 2nd month!! And He lived at home, using the excuse that His parents needed him there to help care for them, which come to find out was bullshit! OH, and making love… well… it was like being humped by a sperm whale. (tiny giggle) I cut him loose after the second weekend He spent at My home, while My ex slept on the couch. I must admit, the Man I was seeing handled it quite well, the ex sleeping on the couch, while We were in My bed, the sperm whale and I. (again I giggled) My children on the other hand.. well, I usually go with THEIR feelings when it comes to Who I let into our lives. This one, they did not like or feel comfortable around, Yup… had to cut him loose.

Did you notice how I used the suffix ‘ed’ in the second paragraph, a few times? Yeh, well… that is because I am NO longer sleeping, waking or having My closet to MY ALONE!!! After the third month, I gave into My ex-Husband and agreed to give it another try. Quite honestly, I already know what a fuck up HE is, I know HIS annoying habits, HIS screwed up ideals and ideas… I am USED to him. I also know… how to get what I want from HIM, I know how to play him..like a perfectly tuned piano.  Did that sound fucked up? Selfish? Wrong?  Frankly, I don’t care if it does. HE is getting what HE wants out of this… agreement,  as am I.. to a certain extent. The sex is scarce, it doesn’t happen often and when it does, its NOT what I am used to. He is sweet though and He is truly trying to do everything He can to make our lives better and do more things together.

If I were to be honest, which I don’t see any point in lying.. I will admit, I am not “in love” with him.. maybe that will come in time, at the moment I love him and I made a commitment to him. I have been faithful thus far. I don’t know how much longer that will remain a fact. I suppose as long as I wish to continue doing the “right” thing…. devil on one shoulder, angel on the other..

I bid you all good night and peaceful dreams.

XOXO Satie