I know.. you’re thinking, (probably) here this Woman is, blogging about relationships…with an Ughh in the title. So, I MUST be bitter, right? or an Ice Queen? I can honestly say this, BEFORE you decide to read this… I am NOT, Nor have I EVER been an Angel… Read at your own risk..LOL
Well, I suppose which Man from My past, you ask those questions. From My perspective, and I believe I mentioned this before, I am BRUTALLY honest, even about Myself, which leads into how I look at relationships.
What is a “relationship”.. don’t we ALL have relationships with everyone in our lives that were care about, that we love, that we feel something more then just, eh, yeh that person is ok, not My best friend, but…? If we are going to keep this real (REAL LIFE REAL TALK) then lets be real.
I am a true believer in there are those that come into our lives for reasons, for seasons and for eternity. My children, for instance.. they are in My life, No, let Me rephrase that. My children were miracles (religious I am not, spiritual and very understanding of ALL FAITHS and RELIGIONS I am!) brought into My life for a reason, one of My children is no longer in My life… by My choice and hers. I believe there is a reason for that “relationship” turning the way it did, someday, maybe I will figure it out.
Let’s not get off where I was going with this particular post. I try to stay on topic, it can be difficult at times..lol
Ok.. so back to the “relationships” I was targeting for this post… Men & Women.. and I can only speak on this subject because I have never experienced a same sex relationship.. quite honestly, I don’t think I could… only because I don’t spend very much time with other women.. I am not the typical girly -girl, and at the same time, I always have My hands and feet beautiful, My hair is ALWAYS different!! (again, I’ve been a licensed cosmetologist for almost 30 years). I LOVE the shock factor that so many humans show SO clearly on their faces! LOL I have 18 tattoos (all can and most of the time are hidden) I have a facial piercing, and I wear My hair very short, most times. See… I am drifting again!!
The point to that was NOT to eliminate or make anyone feel alienated about their choice in a life partner, lover, best friend, significant other,… basically, I don’t care what your sexual, emotional, or physical attraction is, male or female..either way, IF there is a relationship there are struggles no matter what!
I am not really sure how adult I can be about the words I choose to write, I don’t want to be banned for saying the wrong thing.. so be patient with Me, I am still learning.
Like I mentioned before, this is only My experiences and what My mistakes have taught Me about Myself and the others in My life. When I say “In My life”… that means, exactly THAT. There are those people who come for a “season” into your life. Those are the men, relationships if you will, that were not IN My life. “In My Life” means My children know you as one who is important to Me, it means you have been to My home, it means you are allowed to be let into My family Nucleus. Those that came for a season were never allowed INTO My life. They did not know where I lived, they did not know My children, they were not allowed into My family Nucleus.
Again, I am assuming that we are all grown, and adults here with respect to others views and opinions… and by ALL MEANS, I have no issues with ANYONE giving their opinion about anything I write 🙂 I look forward to it.
I should give a little history about My first real relationships. First One, he was My everything, the sun and moon rose and set around him. He was an Adonis, beautifully built, young, athletic, Did I say “Adonis like” yet.. Oh.. Yes I did. 🙂 Needless to say My first love, My first “relationship” taught Me A LOT.. I grew up VERY quickly, I became a Mother to a beautiful baby boy who is now a 24 year old Man, has served 7 years as a Navy SeaBee, is now resigned for another 4 yrs on a Aircraft Carrier..on the water.. UGHH .. he has also made Me a grandmother to two beautiful little girls…another post for another day… Anyway so.. My very first love bore Me a child.. and a left Me a little less innocent.
I married My now ex-husband of 5 years, in 1993… I meet him when My first born was 5 months old, He is the only dad, father.. male provider/role model My oldest son has ever known. I don’t remember falling “in Love” with My ex-husband, I remember great sex, and we had a lot of good times together and He was an awesome father to a son that was not his biologically… He had no children before and has not had any after our marriage…thus far. ..lol Anyway, we were together two years, had a little girl together and when she was 6 months old we were married. I believe I was “in love” with the idea of being a mother and wife… I had a dream… you know, white picket fence, 4 kids, a few pets, a home and a husband I would always be able to trust and be open enough, mind wise to know that a marriage, a successful one, requires work! Anyway… a lot of crazy stuff went on during the last horrible 6 years of our marriage. There were lies about money, lies about whereabouts, lies about infidelity… on both our parts. I was always the giver, the fixer, the “no need to fear, Superwoman is here!” I became a single parent in a two parent household. You see, My ex-husband fell “out of love” with the kids after they were out of the cute stage… then they became MY problem. I always worked, I’ve owned 2 businesses during our Marriage. 17 years, that’s how long we were legally married. And yet, I always felt like it was never enough for him. Whenever things were REALLY good financially, he was a happy man… when things were not good he was horrible.
I was driving home, in My brand new Tahoe, just finished My hours at the salon & Spa I had built up from a kids barber shop…tsk..another learning experience for another page & post.. So I’m driving, the same back roads I had been driving for almost 4 years, and I started to ball.. I mean blubber, CRY UNCONTROLLABLY!!! Understand something about Me… I am NOT a crier… never have been. So of course I think I’m going crazy or something… I was 35 years old, 5 children, a 6 bedroom historical home, 2 brand new vehicles, a successful Stylist with a salon and Spa… I was MISERABLE!!! I pulled over. I couldn’t drive like that, I had to get a hold of Myself. WTF! Anyway… I had an epiphany that day, sitting in My truck, eyes red and swollen. I wanted to BE ME! I wasn’t Me anymore, I had died somewhere way back after My wedding day.
Now, this is usually when the Freudians and those who like to think as a shrink does (no offense meant by “shrink”) say something like… “What was your relationship like with your mom and dad?”…. Well.. let Me save you some time! My personality, who I have become.. who I will continue to become (because I believe we never stop changing, growing, adapting) is ALL due to My parents, their relationship and what I have learned from LIVING!!!
I have something called “Superwoman Syndrome”. **side note** I NEVER gave Myself that nickname!! My family, friends and a few ex lovers did.. well.. and another nickname I like so much better… ;)** Ok..ok.. back to the whole relationship thing. I am not really sure if I believe fully that We as humans are meant to be monogamous. RELAX!!! If it works for YOU then I am seriously truly happy for you. I have found that … being in a monogamous “relationship” doesn’t work for Me. Quite frankly, the longest monogamous relationship I have had since My legal separation… I believe was like 9 months. I get bored very easy. My match has to be witty, EXTREMELY smart, funny, flexible…. the list goes on, so instead of wasting My time or a Mans time, I kept everything very simple, friends with benefits.
This type of “relationship” works better for Me because I do not like waiting, I want, I enjoy, I LOVE My OWN space.. I LIKE sleeping alone, the whole bed to Myself (king size.. YUP!) sometimes, My bestie, Chloe, will jump up on the end of the bed and sleep across My legs. Chloe is My 4 year old red nose, white Staffordshire Terrier mix. I have had her since she was 8 weeks old. Is she considered a “pitbull”.. yes to the “uneducated about dog breed” people… another post, another page…
Superwoman Syndrome… this is when you have allowed those that you love and care for, EXPECT you to BE just that… Superwoman… Yes I am taking total responsibility for it. Besides, when no one else will do it, meaning care for your children, pay the bills, be both Mom AND dad, make sure YOU have what YOU need.. well… What choice do you have??
Look, I LIKE doing for Myself and mine. I feel accomplished, I feel I am giving My children the skills they need to survive, to not crumble when some catastrophe happens, in their lives, to their hearts, financially… whatever it may be. My children WILL survive EVERY TIME their hearts get broken, and they will LOVE HARDER the next time, and smarter.
Don’t misunderstand Me… would I like some tall, beautiful, muscular, Adonis come sweep Me off My feet for a weekend of unending incredible sex by the beach, maybe in the Caribbean…? DUH!!!!! Of course, and if one should happen by and offer.. I AM going… With MY credit card in hand 😉 just in case… 🙂
At the present time.. I am in a “relationship”… with My ex-husband. I am not sure where this is going, I am however being faithful, and giving it My all… I have made no promises, other then to be honest and upfront with him… even if it means the end. We … humans, are far from perfect.. we ALL have reasons for what we do. Does that make it right? Wrong? I think it makes us… human.
It is late… 5 am comes early, I will leave you with this last thought…