Category Archives: Relationships..UGH

The TRUTH… Can YOU handle it??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

truth

6:10 am This Sunny, VERY frigid morning in Connecticut… Brrr…. as I pour My first cup of coffee, I am running down the list in My head of things that need to be done today. The typical (typical of late, that is… NOT the NORM for Me) stuff for Me. Email first, clean, start dinner, bake the blueberry muffins I have been promising My kids… Check BLOGS! AHHHH… yes… the words that flow from others fingers! I love reading any blog that is about self examination, or self insight.. blah blah blah. You get it!

Much like everyone else I get notices emailed to Me about My blog and those that I follow.  This morning in particular, I received a notice of a new follower, well.. I,  OF COURSE had to go check out Her blog.  I am so glad that I did!! It seems I have found ANOTHER Woman who is aware of Herself… She is NOT afraid to ask herself some pretty hard questions! She is aware of Her thoughts, Her actions. It was an enjoyable and learning experience.

Reading Her blog inspired Me to look at Myself (as if I DONT look at and pick apart Myself enough?!?!) I feel as though I must ask Myself some hard questions.. with even more difficult answers!

Am I happy with Myself? Am I happy with where I am in My life thus far? What needs to change to improve My quality of life? Am I ready for change? Do I possess the strength needed to make those changes? Are My relationships HEALTHY? Where am I going in life? Am I the best ME I can Be?? These are MY questions to ask of Myself.

Can We, as Women tell ourselves the truth?

The truth? what IS the truth?

Merriam Webster  definition of truth “the true or actual state of a matter, conformity with fact or reality; verity: the truth of a statement, a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like,  the state or character of being true, actuality or actual existence.

TRUTH…Human reaction to this word will confuse Me sometimes. I feel like, when I ask someone to tell Me the truth, I am not always sure if it is THIER truth or what the TRUTH really is.  If We are going to be honest with ourselves and others then I feel We must see that there in lies the difference… PERCEPTION.. MY truth, YOUR truth and then the REAL truth. WE all see the same thing differently. Which is what I suppose makes the world go round, I would in fact have to blow My head off if EVERYONE thought the same exact way, did the same exact things the next person did. We, as humans, We are amazing creatures!

Ya know those “discovery channel” shows?  The ones about AMAZING animals, the way they live, eat, reproduce.. etc?  I have YET to see one about “Humans”  ok, this could really be a very long post.. there are so many differences from one Human to the next.  I  want to focus on how We, as Women handle, go about.. taking the time to really look at ourselves and how We tell ourselves the truth. Not how others see Us, just how We see Ourselves, and what We know to be TRUE about ourselves.

Come on, We have ALL lied to ourselves in one situation or another, whether it was to make the situation easier to deal with, or We didn’t have the time to deal with it at all, so We tell ourselves a NOT truth… We tell ourselves, it will wait… or it will take care of itself, or .. I CANT right now. “Can’t”.. I HATE that word! When one of My children use that word, I CRINGE! RIDICULOUS!!! NO SUCH WORD!! You may not be “able to” at the moment, however, there is NOTHING We can NOT do as long as We try and are willing to take the steps necessary to get that “thing”, “goal”.. etc.. done!!

So that would be the FIRST TRUTH… NOTHING We can NOT do, as long as We take the steps necessary to get it done. “GET ER DONE!!” comes to mind.. I used to watch those 4 comedians all the time, I do not remember the name of their show.. ya know, the 4 redneck comedians.. I know “Ron White” was one of them. My ex-husband and I went to see him Live… what an asshole HE can be!! Don’t get Me wrong, He is funny… an asshole the same. However, THERE is ANOTHER truth! I… ME… yes, I can be an asshole sometimes. I am not ashamed to say it. I don’t profess to be perfect by ANY definition or interpretation of the word “PERFECT”.  I say harsh things to those I love at times, when I feel it is needed. Sometimes even to My friends.. it is necessary sometimes.   I am not sorry about what I say, I am sorry that it may hurt sometimes. We as Women, Mothers, wives, sisters, friends, We have the responsibility to be Nurturing… caring…FIXERS!! THERE’S a TRUTH!!

We all try to be honest with ourselves, at least I hope We do. It is NOT an easy feat! Sometimes, looking at ourselves from the outside makes the Truth a little easier to see. Then We must decide to digest and accept it, or,  if it is not acceptable, change it!

I feel… and again, this is JUST MY OPINION.. and like everyone else, just like as asshole, WE ALL HAVE ONE! (laughing out loud now) My dad used to say that ALL the time.. HE didn’t like too many humans. I miss Him. He was a Hard ass Man.. no doubt. I believe that it is mostly because of Him that I am the Woman I have become.

Another TRUTH about Myself. I am not able at the present time.. no, that’s NOT the truth.. the TRUTH is.. I do not want to be part of a relationship with a Man.. ANY MAN at this time. Meaning… I know  Myself, and being part of a relationship with another adult, as in a boyfriend, fiancé, husband.. what have you… I do not choose that road. Reason? I am too selfish at this time. My children still need Me to focus on them. It is MY responsibility to assure they have the skills needed to be successful HUMANS! Also, the TRUTH is I do not want to be responsible for another humans feelings or actions. You can argue that this is not so in a relationship, IT IS!! What I DO, SAY, THINK.. will have some type of affect on either the relationship or the other human in the relationship.

I believe there are other Women in the world who may feel the same way. Maybe they are honest about it.. maybe not. Their choice. I find that when We pass judgment on others We are taking on the role of our Creator. (Trying to keep it P.C.. God, Allah, Buddha… Aliens… whomever YOU believe is Our Creator.. another post for another time). I certainly do not enjoy it when someone judges Me solely  on THIER beliefs. Because, again… Different beliefs.. different views.. different opinions.. that IS what makes US HUMAN!

Back to TRUTH. I think as long as We are able to SEE the TRUTH about Ourselves, then it is ALWAYS a positive thing! When We know and accept what needs to be changed, or improved, or deleted from Our person then We have SEEN the TRUTH.  What YOU do with that TRUTH makes it YOURS!

Can YOU tell Yourself the TRUTH? Can YOU HEAR… the TRUTH? I believe that when We are comfortable asking Ourselves the difficult questions, THEN We can make the necessary adjustments to Our being.  Because, after all…. isn’t LIFE just one big learning and growing experience.. ?

THIS is MY truth!!

Preach on you beautiful Blonde!
Preach on you beautiful Blonde!

Always,

Satie

 

Single?… or nah? LMAO

I confuse Myself after awhile! Here is the update as of January 29, 2015.  Soooo.. Me the ex and the three youngest moved into My dream apartment, with the understanding that the ex would move out after 6 months. We tried.. well.. I tried, I think he was trying, I KNOW he loves Me, he tells Me everyday. I am just NOT in love with him, and I don’t like being in a relationship with him like that.

Since this whole back thing started with Me and I have not been able to return to work, he, the Ex has been great with paying the bills and being attentive to the fact that I can not do all the things I usually do. However, saying this, I also feel he is LOVING the fact that I am trapped at home, in the house, gaining back.. like I said in another post recently.. 15 pounds…

There are days I am miserable and cry all day long.. NOTHING resembling WHO I was, or am.. I don’t even know sometimes which it is. I know this is not going to be the way My life will be forever.. it is just a bump in the road to the rest of My life. I am good with My decision to be honest and tell the ex how I feel. He took it well, again, I think because of Me having to depend on him temporarily.

When you really think about it…Is THIS all there is? I mean, you find a mate, you have kids and you end up together, miserable for the rest of your lives?? F U C K THAT!!! Not gonna happen with Me.

Funny, even on My worst of days, I can still see the Sun.. shining on ME.. FOR ME.. When I am hating him, the ex, the most.. I still have the good thoughts running through My head, challenging the thoughts of hate.. He IS trying.. He IS paying the bills.. of course with some grumbling along the way. and there are arguments that get out of control, ending with Me losing My voice, most times. I try to keep it away from the kids, cuz THEY did NOT ask for this. THEY didn’t want US living together with their dad.. THEY knew better than Me…

Ill be damned!! I ADORE My children!!

Sleep well and dream in color!!

XOXO Satie

AFTER you let your Ex-Husband move in….

We were married Sept 26, 1993. We were divorced May 11, 2010. The divorce was My decision, he fought Me the entire way. I knew the true reason he did not want a divorce… He had no one else to take care of him. (My ego is not responsible at all for what I am about to say) He fell apart after our divorce. Did he have “Girlfriends”, to hear him tell it, no one was at “Girlfriend” status, they were all just friends.. that he had sex with..LOL We hated each other for about three years, trying and succeeding at making each others lives hell for a temporary moment. He and I have been through many years together, We have had 5 children together, There is still a bond … of responsibility I feel towards him. It sounds confusing I am sure, however, its very simple. I promised to take care of him til the day he dies. Even if I was in a serious relationship (I doubt that will EVER happen again.. or at least as long as I stay perpetually horny!.. LOL) even if, as I was saying, HE would have to be a special man to understand that relationship I have and will continue to have with My Ex-Husband, for the rest of his life.

As the Title of this post implies, I let My ex move into My apartment about 4 months ago. This decision was made with the knowledge that he would be homeless if I did not let him move in, temporarily. At the time of him moving in, I was single, and by the way.. LOVING IT!!!  **Side note** I am not such a typical female. I LIKED sleeping alone, I LIKED waking up alone, I LIKED MY closet to MYSELF… HA! I could go on… futile now though…**

I laid down the rules before He moved in, so that there would be no misunderstandings later. I had .. “Friends” and they would come to My house and visit Me. At that specific moment I was seeing One Man in particular. He was sweet, good looking, somewhat kept in shape. However, He was … how do I say this… a “Mama’s Boy”. I mean, he tried to be a bad boy, telling Me of his younger years when He was in “the game” ..LOL The “Game”… another post for another day when I am in the mood for sharing. Anyway.. He became too clingy and I could see that He was not motivated enough to be My “Man”. I have this rule. If We have only been seeing each other for under a month and you ask Me to borrow money, or you need gas to come see Me… We are DEFINATLY not going to make it to the 2nd month!! And He lived at home, using the excuse that His parents needed him there to help care for them, which come to find out was bullshit! OH, and making love… well… it was like being humped by a sperm whale. (tiny giggle) I cut him loose after the second weekend He spent at My home, while My ex slept on the couch. I must admit, the Man I was seeing handled it quite well, the ex sleeping on the couch, while We were in My bed, the sperm whale and I. (again I giggled) My children on the other hand.. well, I usually go with THEIR feelings when it comes to Who I let into our lives. This one, they did not like or feel comfortable around, Yup… had to cut him loose.

Did you notice how I used the suffix ‘ed’ in the second paragraph, a few times? Yeh, well… that is because I am NO longer sleeping, waking or having My closet to MY ALONE!!! After the third month, I gave into My ex-Husband and agreed to give it another try. Quite honestly, I already know what a fuck up HE is, I know HIS annoying habits, HIS screwed up ideals and ideas… I am USED to him. I also know… how to get what I want from HIM, I know how to play him..like a perfectly tuned piano.  Did that sound fucked up? Selfish? Wrong?  Frankly, I don’t care if it does. HE is getting what HE wants out of this… agreement,  as am I.. to a certain extent. The sex is scarce, it doesn’t happen often and when it does, its NOT what I am used to. He is sweet though and He is truly trying to do everything He can to make our lives better and do more things together.

If I were to be honest, which I don’t see any point in lying.. I will admit, I am not “in love” with him.. maybe that will come in time, at the moment I love him and I made a commitment to him. I have been faithful thus far. I don’t know how much longer that will remain a fact. I suppose as long as I wish to continue doing the “right” thing…. devil on one shoulder, angel on the other..

I bid you all good night and peaceful dreams.

XOXO Satie

REAL TALK!!

So, I started this blog because I believe in sharing life experiences, recipes, helpful hints, ways to improve ourselves… My opinions, which may or may not be liked.. but isn’t that what having your own blog is for? I find life amusing, most of the time. There are days when I would rather be sipping a fruity drink, on a beach, with NO ONE else around… Unfortunately, I can only go there in my mind.. for now.

A little… ok, maybe A LOT about Me in this post… I am a 45 year young Mother of 5, grandmother of 2, was married for almost 18 years, divorced 4 years now (My choice).. I have never been wealthy, I come from a middle class working family. My parents were divorced when I was 10, another day for that conversation! If I were to describe myself.. my person as a whole, who I TRULY know myself to be.. well, I believe it may come across a bit narcissistic and egotistical, I can be harsh even when describing myself. I am a Taurus Woman, to the most extreme. Loyal to a fault… until one has betrayed me, then.. you are cut out of my life. Different then other women, I think and make decisions based on logic, not emotion. I can be very cold, however only when it is necessary. Yes, there are times when it IS necessary to be unemotional, cold, controlled. See… I am making myself sound like an ogre!!

My friends describe Me as loving, smart, helpful, determined, funny, bold, unafraid…sometimes an angel. Some of My “associates” (not loyal enough to be called a Friend) may describe Me as… “Not the one!!” I say what I mean and mean what I say. Simple.

This blog will have so much information, funny stuff, recipes (I am a chef and former restaurant/catering company owner) as well as being a Mother to 5 and learning how to survive being broke, it seemed.. all the time.

I hope you enjoy My blog..

Satie.