Single?… or nah? LMAO

I confuse Myself after awhile! Here is the update as of January 29, 2015.  Soooo.. Me the ex and the three youngest moved into My dream apartment, with the understanding that the ex would move out after 6 months. We tried.. well.. I tried, I think he was trying, I KNOW he loves Me, he tells Me everyday. I am just NOT in love with him, and I don’t like being in a relationship with him like that.

Since this whole back thing started with Me and I have not been able to return to work, he, the Ex has been great with paying the bills and being attentive to the fact that I can not do all the things I usually do. However, saying this, I also feel he is LOVING the fact that I am trapped at home, in the house, gaining back.. like I said in another post recently.. 15 pounds…

There are days I am miserable and cry all day long.. NOTHING resembling WHO I was, or am.. I don’t even know sometimes which it is. I know this is not going to be the way My life will be forever.. it is just a bump in the road to the rest of My life. I am good with My decision to be honest and tell the ex how I feel. He took it well, again, I think because of Me having to depend on him temporarily.

When you really think about it…Is THIS all there is? I mean, you find a mate, you have kids and you end up together, miserable for the rest of your lives?? F U C K THAT!!! Not gonna happen with Me.

Funny, even on My worst of days, I can still see the Sun.. shining on ME.. FOR ME.. When I am hating him, the ex, the most.. I still have the good thoughts running through My head, challenging the thoughts of hate.. He IS trying.. He IS paying the bills.. of course with some grumbling along the way. and there are arguments that get out of control, ending with Me losing My voice, most times. I try to keep it away from the kids, cuz THEY did NOT ask for this. THEY didn’t want US living together with their dad.. THEY knew better than Me…

Ill be damned!! I ADORE My children!!

Sleep well and dream in color!!

XOXO Satie



I find it amazing how long it has been since I’ve blogged. Not only that I haven’t blogged, I haven’t written ANYTHING! Not like Me… then again, I am NOT Myself these days. I am going to try to keep this post condensed, a lot has happened in such a short time.

First,… sooooo I asked a friend.. (ok, he is also My lover.. YES I SAID IT!! HE IS JUST MY LOVER and friend.) We do NOT “date”, we do NOT live together (My ex-husband and I are sharing living space still.. UGH! for reasons beyond My control.. I’ll explain) We don’t have dinner together or snuggle up on the couch and watch a flick. Although, sometimes I think, maybe, maybe that would be nice. I am not sure how much of the “about Me” section you’ve read, however if you have read anything I’ve blogged then you already get it, I DONT hold back. No reason to. I have no one to answer to and I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done.. because, truly.. why do something you are going to regret later… DO IT, OWN IT… and if it gets fucked up, then make it right! SIMPLE!! (ok, so I don’t sound like a crazy person, DONT DO ANYTHING illegal… I mean, unless , NAHHH I’m just kidding!) I’m sure you understand the general idea of “DO IT, OWN IT”.

So, this friend/lover… we will refer to him as Coach from now on, because I am sure he will show up again at some point in My future blogs. I asked him earlier today “If you could change anything about US what would it be… His answer “Who you reside with… have you back to writing again, and Id fix your back!” Now, normally the first part of the answer, “Who you reside with” would have had Me all ‘girly’ like… I mean, that’s sweet.. obviously it bothers him that My ex husband and I share a home. Of course, wanting to have the magical powers to fix My back, that is a selfless thought, BRAVO COACH.. he can be a bit self centered at times.. shrugging my shoulders.. cant we ALL!? 😉 the statement that REALLLY hit me… “have you back to writing again”.. blew My mind!! How many others would even say that? My kids?? My Mom?? My ex-husband?? NOOO, they could care less if I am writing, if I have lost the passion, if somehow it has gone from My body like our souls leave when we die! BASTARDS!!! kidding of course…

As I sit here typing.. I realize, the writer… THAT part of Me… SHE is FULL of passion, drive, determination, soulfulness, love, creativity!! WHERE THE HELL IS SHE!!!!! I truly believe the world We live in, what surrounds Us, those that surround Us, life’s happenings.. they all play a part in HER seclusion.. the writer. Don’t misunderstand, I have been wanting to write..needing to write again. I NEED to relive those memories, to assist in keeping Me sane as I go through the next year or so of My life.. Why, what is going to happen in the next year of your life Satie? you may find yourself asking that … Well..

Thanksgiving, 2014… just a few months ago. I woke early to get started with the days FEAST! I couldn’t wait… even though My ex-husband tried as hard as he could to ruin, YET another holiday for Me.. he started an argument the night before, which is usually when I start cooking thanksgivings meal. I did not this past holiday I said “SCREW THIS SHIT”  and went to bed, (a whole bottle of barefoot Moscato ingested) I made a pot of coffee… rolled one… YUP… I partake. I was outside with My coffee and smoke of choice, enjoying the quiet before the rugrats woke up DEMANDING food.. rolling My eyes..I went to stand up from the chair I was sitting in and it didn’t happen. I couldn’t move.. well… not without excruciating pain in My lower back.. “odd” I thought. I have been on tramadol for almost 5 years due to lower back pain, caused by what My Dr. (of the past 12 years) said it was.. Arthritis. I believed him of course, one because he has saved My life twice and two because My mom has arthritis, Spinal Stenosis as well. I mean, really.. I totally GET why I am having the pain I have had for years. I was a power lifter from age 14 to 22. So, it makes sense.. squatting with over 700 pounds on your shoulders will most likely cause some damage down the road in life. Ok. Cool. I get it!! However, at the time I blamed it on the fact that I gave up My much younger lover, therefore, not getting the exercise I was used to getting 🙂 Yes, I am a bit of a nympho.

Im getting off track… back to thanksgiving. I made it through the day… the food was good, although, not as good as it has been in the past, WE ALL know why!! I went back to work that following Monday. Each day I came home just a little more in pain, it kept getting more intense each day that had passed. By Friday, December 5th it was HORRIFIC!! the alarm went off at 5 am, I tried to turn and reach for My phone to kill the alarm.. I COULDNT!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I thought I was moving My right leg off the bed to the floor.. guess I wasn’t because I HIT the floor when I went to stand up. My right leg was completely numb and dead.. (found out its called Drop leg/foot) The pain was NOTHING I have ever felt before.. passing an 8 pound HUMAN through My vagina wasn’t as painful as this!! My ex-husband called out of work and rushed Me to the ER. It must’ve been pretty obvious… maybe My BP being 220 over 160 was the tell tale truth that I was truly in pain that made the nurses and dr move so quickly. I was given three mls of Dilaudud, intravenously, it finally brought the pain down to a 5 from a 2… anyway so the Dr sends Me for an xray of My lower back, asks Me if I was ever in an accident, blah blah blah… No, I’ve never hurt My back, never been in an accident never had a slip and fall. So, the Er Dr comes into my room after the xray and says “This is NOT good… ” and looks at Me with this pathetic, I- feel- sooooo- bad- for- you- lady- but- you’re- fucked look. Of course My response is.. “Meaning??” He says, “You have Spondylosis with progressive lumbar spondylolthesis.. you didn’t know this? You were here in 2004 for an xray and you had 4 millimeters of spinal slippage then, now it has progressed to 11millimeters of slip, your Dr never told you this?”

ok, so My memory is NOT the best… who knows, maybe its normal for a human My age.. (45) however IF My Dr had EVER said some shit to Me about My back needing attention, I would’ve JUMPED on it!! I am NOT an idiot!! So now…I am sitting there in this ER room.. looking like I don’t know what, WAITING for the Dr. to tell Me in English what this all means. He explains that My spine has slipped forward 1/2 an inch off My sacrum (top of your tail bone) and physical therapy is NOT recommended, surgery is! EEEEEEKKKKK!!!  BACK SURGERY?!?! Are you kidding me?? I am ONLY 45 years young!! How the hell did this happen?

Fast forward to today.. this very moment. I have been on more drugs then I care to list, different cocktails trying to ease the pain, I have not worked since December, I had an MRI done Dec 16th, the report … not good. 4 protruding discs in 3 different locations in My spine. I am currently taking dilaudid for pain, Soma for a muscle relaxer. I can not work, My own Dr wont release Me for fear of being sued I assume.. I can not drive most days because of the pain and drugs, I cannot pick up anything heavier then 5 lbs, or I take the chance of hurting M<myself even more and/or dropping whatever it is I am picking up. I have fallen three times due to My non cooperating right leg.. I sleep on the dining room, I mean across the dining room table, with my legs hanging down, most nights, if I sleep at all, usually sleep comes with a heavy dose of pain meds. Otherwise I am up for days at a time. I yell at My kids for unknown reasons, I don’t go out much, for fear of the pain worsening or for fear of falling in public (YUP, I’m VERY vain!!).  I spend most of My time, inside My beautiful home (we moved in October) We live in one of the older Mansions in My city. It was turned into a three family however My Unit retains its former glory, wood work, carvings, huge fireplace (they closed it off, mantle is still there thou. Ill post another blog in Home décor/crafts, etc.. I have been making everything, curtains, decorations, blah blah balh… AND IVE GOTTEN FA …hmmm.. Ill be nice.. I have gained back 15 of the hundred pounds I lost.. Ok, so NOT such a big deal for some of you, however when you are the Woman I am, active VERY ACTIVE, like playing flag football on the weekends, tennis, swimming, basketball.. etc..  this  stagnant lifestyle is driving ME FUCKING NUTS!!!!

Half of Me loves being here when My kids get home from school, (even though they would rather play call of duty then sit and entertain Me),cooking, cleaning… making My living space a home. However, the other half misses working,  being active, feeling good, feeling sexy, YUP.. this issue Is messing with Me mentally as well as physically.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the Ortho surgeon to get the final results and the plan of action for fixing Me.. HA!! laughing out loud now, fixing Me.. what a joke!! anyway… Ive already been warned by the three other Dr.’s I have seen, that the next year of My life will not be normal.. as if it EVER was! 🙂

DO IT, OWN IT!! I did it to Myself.. the years of power lifting, playing football… I mean there have been tell tale signs, both My knees have been rebuilt from donor parts, I have had carpal tunnel surgery on both hands. I am OWNING it!! I WILL get through this and make it right. I WILL become the Woman I once was not so long ago…

One more thing… I WILL finish My first book by the end of this journey!!